All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
