do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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