theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm getting married
To pizza
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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