there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
