Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
