yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
