i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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