I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
