I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
