apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
