I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
