you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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