Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
