phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
