I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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