Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
