frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
