No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
