shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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