Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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