K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
