I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
