How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
you inspire me to be a worse person
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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