frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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