how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
