i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
