My hand turned me down
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so let's talk penis.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over