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so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
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