I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
