Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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