i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
