i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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