I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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