I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
