so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
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Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
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No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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