I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
