and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
