I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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