Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
