dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
