Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
