he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
