Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
