I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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