I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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