apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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