the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
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watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
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You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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