hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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