Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
