I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
