Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
