you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
