I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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