Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
