i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize