My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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